Not Today

Yeah we are EXTRA
But still part of this world
Extra + Ordinary
That’s nothing at all

Dear readers,

Karena hari ini terasa cukup berat, aku tidak akan menulis hal-hal yang sifatnya terlalu serius. Bagi teman-teman yang sudah mengenalku, pasti kaget sih kalau ternyata sekarang aku jadi pencinta KPOP, lebih spesifiknya, sekarang aku sudah menjadi bagian dari penggemar BTS yang disebut dengan ARMY.

Lagu di atas berjudul Not Today. Makna singkat yang aku tangkap dari lagu ini intinya ialah jika kita sedang berada di dalam kondisi ingin menyerah, waktunya bukan sekarang, jadi jangan menyerah. Hari ini bagaimanapun kita harus bertahan. Jikapun tidak bisa berlari, kita masih dapat berjalan. Jika tidak bisa berjalan, kita masih bisa merangkak. Andai kata kita pun tidak bisa merangkak, kita masih bisa berusaha untuk mengarahkan senjata ke titik tujuan kita, sebelum akhirnya menembak poin yang kita sudah tetapkan sebelumnya.

Perkenalanku dengan BTS sebenarnya tidak sengaja. Sedari awal, sebenarnya aku sama sekali tidak pernah menyangka sih kalau akan menyukai mereka. Mereka memang ganteng, tapi tidak sampai membuatku ngefans banget hanya karena penampilan luarnya. Lebih dari itu, sebenarnya aku semakin suka dengan BTS karena lirik-lirik di dalam lagu mereka yang membuat semangat.

By the way selama menulis tesis, sebenarnya aku sudah membuat playlist yang judulnya menyesuaikan dengan tema Tesis: Supply Chain Cost Scheme. Di dalam playlist itu, lagu-lagu yang aku isi tentu saja hanya lagu-lagu yang menurutku bisa memberikan efek semangat selama belajar, mulai dari yang sifatnya religius sampai yang sifatnya jingkrak-jingkrakan. Cuma ya itu, nama playlist nya memang terdengar sangar, yang sebenarnya juga terinspirasi dari judul playlist yang cukup sangar yang gak sengaja ditemui teman saya.

me on accepting myself

Dear readers,

These past years, I have made some stupid decisions. I can still calculate the after effects of my stupidity and the hardest part is when I noticed my dumb decision might make me lose my best friend. He/she has a gentle soul, but for I do realize that I had made some damages, this pretty hurtful yet fact consciousness raise an awkward circumstance and a hesitant hello.

It has been one relentlessly trying years of tireless running back and forth between the acceptances and rejections, relief and anxiety, uncertainty and confidence, disillusionment and enthusiasm. However in the middle of those chaotic madness, I could still find even a few moments worth to be preserved, like this very tiny hopes of effortless kindness I could give just silently in hoping that he/she will be fine. For he/she is an exquisite being with beautiful soul, the unpleasantness faced would be a shield for her/his protection or a foothold for her/his increased greatness.

Then, how about the already damaged soul?

Often times, I feel like I am a mere lone and small creature, sitting here with this uncertain heart, trying to make the most of the monsoon, and feasting on the moment and relishing every bit of it all. There are so much to learn here, so much more to reflect. Here is also hoping that at least one of us changes in temperament by then. As a person, I’m not sure if I will ever be able to master this art of continuous madness.  My soul is tired and unable to bear this entire burden of complication I have decided myself. Ironically, and if one gently nudges aside the everyday existential angst of being both just passing the quarter life crisis and millennial, I have never been more unsure about my flourishing in a certain place. Or, should I try to create and find another place?

The damages have already happened, followed by the consequences that must be borne. The right time for this soul to retreat slowly and regularly finally comes. Deep down in my heart, I sometimes do wonder why it was easy to decide the wrong and hard to choose the right. One thing I never knew are that being an adult has also this silent meaning of welcoming the chance to act wrongly and choosing to be a so stupid being these entire years is too easy.

While I do understand that stupidity is only one of the many human constructs, I wish that me having this ability to angry and also in the same time laugh at my own shortcomings was a sign of me realizing my own limitations. I am such a broken soul. I honestly do not know from where I should repair the damages I have made. I did make mistakes and it was a shame to accept that I am one of those kind souls I hate the most. The flaws have naturally become a part of me already. The damages I have created are bad, they really break and hurt my heart.  However, I somehow want to praise that this confession is commendable. I am actually so sad for not aware this clearly from the very start. Now for my own sake, I am accepting any consequences I am going to face in the future. I hope I can live what I have set as a form of guilt to my soul.

For now I have no more rights to judge the wrongs, I also understand why sometimes stupidity sells more than hard gained values. Real education and real brain power are very hard to build, making people to avoid them by nature. I also discover why watching stupid opera is far more entertaining than all. I think most of us enjoying, laughing, and even praising those denseness for there is this part of us acknowledging our own senseless, that by watching those having bad decisions made us not feeling a bit left out alone. I wish those long logical reasons were not happened to us. I wish that no matter how bad decision we had made in the past, accepting we are in wrongs would be an easy choice for accepting is the best of all choices.  To me, sometimes we need to cause damages so we naturally are able to create a new pattern at the pure souls through repairmen, then we will be reminded of the hard slaps of the wrong judgement we have ever made.

Photo by Sean Kowal on Unsplash

find comfort in tough times

Dear readers,

I come again here for some writings. I am honestly in the middle of reading some researches supporting my thesis. It would not be long, but I want to share how I find my comfort in the middle of this hustle and bustles.

The type of comforts which suit me

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Ever since I was little, I so enjoyed watching Avatar the Legend of Aang (ATLA). Anyone in my age must remember how one of Indonesian national TV ever aired this series around 2008 – 2012. I remember that almost every day I could enjoy the series. So now, whenever I watched ATLA, it always reminds me of the life I was living around that time. I was a freshman, and my two younger brothers were both in SHS and in Elementary School. Streaming TV series was still unpopular so we needed to purchase (pirated) DVDs and watched the episodes which hasn’t been aired yet.

Another comfort entertainment I take delight beside ATLA is reading Hikaru no Go. I was at my Junior High School going for Senior High School. At those times, I diligently waited for the series and sometimes purchased the comic at store near my tutoring class. Sometimes, my friends caught me reading during my waiting for class.

Repeating the pleasant is very much comforting. Moreover, each repeat most of the times lift me with some new conscious of the past memories. Writing this piece reminds me of certain memories I am not so sure whether they are right or wrong for I am not quite remember some pretty specific details about them. I asked my mom just now about how I was getting to my tutoring class, about the people I was befriended with, and etc. At the end of the day, my Mom told me that I was either using Angkot to the nearest stop (which is a traditional market) or my dad driving and picking me up weekly. I am also reminded that I have actually already befriended with this friend who now has become an Author of some books.

Beside lifting some conscious, repeating the pleasant always teaches me something new. In ATLA, there is this specific episode when Prince Zuko faced his moment of truth, the moment of him choosing the right or the wrong paths. Later as a being I am fully aware that I will constantly face those many moments which drains both my energy and my mind. Interestingly, I have learned those particular moments from ATLA. Every time I summon up how Zuko learned that his choices were wrong, I grasp the point showing me there was also this room for anyone to improve. Through Hikaru no Go, I gained an understanding about loss and friendship. It is when Sai, one of the main characters from the series, suddenly disappeared, making Hikaru discovered how meaningful Sai’s presence for him.

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Bubur ayam Cirebon, pardon for the awful resolution

It is not everyday, but sometimes I do also find comfort in cooking. I cooked my favorite meals usually at least two portions then enjoyed them for myself. Never I told anyone but honestly I enjoy cooking. Only because my tastes strangely different from others, It is always hard to reveal this. How if someone then asked me to cook but find my foods aren’t delicious to their taste. Despite feeling anxious, I’d better stay low and tell I could not cook well.

Shopping never becomes my comfort. In the pasts, I do remember that I think by shopping I could find comfort. I bought many books even tho I wasnt sure when exactly I would read them. Purchasing too much clothes and bags also will not last long. I get easily bored with the stuff I have purchased. Since then I realized that I prefer to spend my money on experiences like favorite foods and travelling.

So now, how do you usually find your comfort? I wish you could still enjoy the days even tho sometimes they are not even gentle. Anyway in life, why do we need to feel uncomfortable?

This time, I am raising an issue about emotional courage. I will mostly have an urge to find comfort whenever I am facing this one of the many uncomfortable moments. I, like most people, fear the feeling of failure, shame, embarrassment, frustrated, and wistful. Not all people are ready and able to feel all those emotion at once. The more we face those kinds of emotions, the more we will be ready of anything, or rather, are we being created to always not ready? While the act of learning is intentionally intellectual, methodological and behavioral, the experience of learning primarily should also be emotional, and they are all uncomfortable. Like what Peter Bregman ever said, learning is indeed takes time and comfort takes experiences.

In my experience, sometimes people seek for confidence by showing off their achievements. It makes people naturally think that arrogance needed to nurture the confidence. However to me, confidence can only be achieved by someone who can stay grounded. They who nurture their confidence through arrogance will never stand for any negative feedback and criticism. Confident person is still allowed to admit that she/he is “not know” about something. She/he should be an open, curious, and steady being,

Why shopping is never for me and why I stay on being a minimalist

My life is getting minimalist day by day without me really realizing it. I purchased mostly black and white wardrobes, better shoes and bag so they will long last. Every time i want to purchase something, what comes first in my mind is if i will really need them, or not. I do not have new wardrobes for Eid in these past 3 years partly for I don’t really have time to buy new ones or too lazy to find which styles i really really want! My friends never give me goods as presents for I asked them to only give me consumable gifts such flowers, foods, my favorite make ups, unless the goods will be used by me in daily basis.

Writing this I should say maybe currently I am self-proclaiming that I am a minimalist. However my choice to be a minimalist is not based on something noble. I am basically not good at shopping and I am also very much lazy in the same time. So instead of spending my money on somethings not even useful, better only purchase something which will help me. Both tidying and cleaning up are not my best ability. Also, sometimes I do wondering that having minimal stuff would make tidying and cleaning up faster and simpler.

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

alive, so far

Ini adalah perjalanan untuk mengenal diri seseorang yang berlindung di balik nama Lina.

It is around 4 pm already. Instead of working, now I am betraying myself for I have this unnerved feeling which suddenly just come and strongly make me a bit discourage for whatever reasons. At least, as I was saying in my last post, I want to appreciate myself sometimes.

I have been so impressed with they who can make their life lighter and happier. Alas, I have been trying so hard to tackle down my own feelings these past weeks. Me being very anxious that next week I am going to start my last semester and still not sure about my thesis also contribute to this anxiety. However that is okay, I am perfectly understand that whatever paths I choose must help me to grow, so I never expect that my choices would be easy.

I am also having this unsettling senses whenever I have to socialize with people. I know this is not good, both for my career and for my own self sometimes. Anyway I am just born with it, and the fact that I still care on how people see me becomes a proof that there is this feeling that I want to be accepted, or should I say this is a sign to start building a new one? In the pasts, there were these times when I forced myself so hard only trying to be a part of group, which is in the end, I always lost. Even though I got what I want, I ruined my self.

But don’t worry. By writing this I learned something. I want to wide my own circles and learn more from new people. I understand, a part of me being socially anxious is indeed one of the many weakness I have. However I realize, because I know they are my weakness, it is also my wole to overcome them. After all, only the one that has the same frequency can be synced.

Photo by Mikael Kristenson on Unsplash

keluarga

Ada satu kenyataan agak pahit yang baru kusadari ketika aku sudah dewasa. Lebih tepatnya ialah ketika waktuku kini menjadi lebih terbagi, antara harus menolong diri sendiri dan tetap menjaga kedekatan dengan keluargaku tersayang.

Friends come and go, but family is forever

Sejauh ini, pepatah di atas masih sangat berlaku untukku. Meski sudah menginjak usia hampir 30 tahun pun, aku tetap seorang anak dari ayah dan ibu serta kakak bagi kedua adikku (Ssstt, aku sengaja menua-nuakan sedikit usia, karena toh aku bakalan, insyaallah, mencapai usia 30). Sehari-hari aku memang harus bekerja untuk bertahan hidup di Jakarta. Meskipun demikian, aku senang dengan apa yang aku kerjakan, senang juga dengan dampak yang dapat selalu aku berikan dari jerih payahku. Memang sering juga aku mengeluh, tapi keluhanku hanya superfisial.

Hal terbaik bagiku saat ini adalah setiap kali aku pulang ke rumah. Saat kami sekeluarga dapat kembali berkumpul meskipun tidak banyak kata yang diucapkan satu sama lain. Melihat kehadiran mereka yang ada di depan mata saja membuat hati ini terasa begitu hangat, Inginnya sih, aku dan seluruh indraku ini dapat merekam dengan sangat sempurna mengenai apa yang ada di sekitarku saat itu. Aku merasa utuh dengan hanya hadir di antara mereka semua. Kalau disuruh memilih ingin liburan ke mana, untuk saat ini, bersama mereka saja sudah membuatku cukup. Aku memang sedang merencanakan liburan, tapi inginnya sih liburan di saat kita satu keluarga tidak sedang berkumpul.

Mungkin ini ya yang namanya, ‘apapun jadwalnya, keluarga tetap nomer satu!’ Biasanya yang seperti ini sulit sekali dipahami oleh mereka yang rasa memiliki di antara keluarga tidak begitu utuh. Aku juga baru menyadari kalau kedekatan keluargaku tergolong yang sempurna hanya beberapa tahun belakangan. Semenjak itu, aku ingin semakin menjaga dan melindungi hubungan ini sebaik yang aku bisa.

Tapi tentu saja aku sadar banget kalau dunia tidak bekerja seperti itu. Aku sadar jika aku tetap harus bersosialisasi di masyarakat. Untuk orang yang cenderung diam, sebenarnya aku punya porsi yang cukup besar untuk bersosialisasi. Kegiatanku selain bekerja terbilang cukup menguras tenaga. Aku sadar sosialisasi ini sebagai salah satu kunci untuk bertahan hidup di belantara Jakarta yang katanya cukup keras ini. Wkwk. Jika memang dikata cukup keras, ingin juga sih rasanya mengapresiasi diri karena sejauh ini dapat menjalaninya dengan baik selama kurang lebih tujuh tahun.

PHOTO BY GERMANE JAWS ON UNSPLASH

on reflection

Dear readers,

I am an introvert. I do not talk a lot, nor reveal myself just to anyone. Most of the times, I am juggling between the rights and the wrongs, about the decisions I have made, about my attitude in responding to certain situations, about the prejudice I have given to someone I am working and interacting with, and many more. I know that even as a being I have damages for I think I have made so many mistakes, moreover some of them are consciously done.

Long time ago, there is this quite painful word that someone had ever said to me and sadly, it affected me that much. I even could not even stop remembering the twinged feelings I experienced. The word is rusak–broken. I was agreeing to that someone said, even though that specific person was actually never knew me that deep, never he/she became someone so important to me like a family for being friendly did not mean I was allowing he/she to be a part of me.

There are times when I was so consumed by what society think. But then again, there are the more times I think and reflect, that the hurt may mean something,  signaling paths that I have chose so my mind will grow. It takes time to finally I realize that I am not an inanimate object, yet a living being. I do have so many shortcomings, weakness and other things which I could learn for my own goodness. And the most important part is, again, I am a living being so the word ‘broken’ is never for me.

That pretty much realization happens only after I was getting hurt.

This makes me wondering why during Ramadan, a holy month of Islam, people are easier to conduct good deeds such going to pray in Mosque on time, saving more money to give to those in needs, even willing to do Tarawih–evening prayers in congregation for a full month. However in the same time, for 30 full days during the day we are fasting. Could anyone guarantee that we will do the pretty much same thing even though we are not fasting? or are we only calculation beings who are doing good deeds only at certain months? The answers, to me, are on how we are used to pleasure ourselves. To be spiritually strong, ones need to be ready with travelling thorny paths, to not easily hate someone disagreed from us.

Now, why we should make time for reflection even if we hate doing it. The above examples may be too personal and seemingly cannot be generalized. I am moving my topic about reflection on professional levels.

Working in a corporate, I realize that with the hustle and bustle of the works makes me less to reflect about my own self. Thus, I sometimes need one medium to accommodate me reflecting in more visible and comfortable way. Expressing myself naturally not only becomes a catharsis to relinquish the hidden emotion accumulated through anxieties and tensions, but also becomes reflection I could see as a third person reading complex feelings which often have been poured out in a messy way. Reflection is about careful thought so the most useful reflection will involve conscious consideration and analysis of beliefs and actions in order to learn.

There is this interesting research that employees who manage their time to reflect for 15 minutes at the end of working day will performed 23% better after 10 days than those who don’t. As an introvert, reflection seems pretty much natural until I realize that there are actually not many people who understand the process. Chances are, maybe my families, my friends and even coworkers are way better at rating some parts of my personality that I am. Reality is this, I am the only person on Earth who have direct access of my every feeling, experience, and thoughts. The only person who know best about me should also be me.

As we actually may realize, the busiest person in company should be the C-level employees. One of CEO half jokingly said that his real job is answering 2000 email per day or the other spend for tons of meetings, meaning making time for only reflection will be a total waste. Being slow down when we are already getting busier will not even help productivity.  However now let us learn from great fortune 500 leaders about how they are making time for reflection to support their productivity. Many of those leaders, even though they are extremely busy, have set at least an hour a day during their entire career with activities classified deliberate learning. They are, from what this article said, often take into three forms like extensive reading, safeguarding time for reflection, and diligently experimenting for new stimulus and perspectives.

A daily self-reflection practice will improves leadership performance. Reflection requires honesty. Often times in social media, people are more eager to share positive sides of their working life, carefully not to mention the hardships behind those positive results. So to me, reflecting through social media, including blog, Twitter, Instagram, etc., is not for everyone.

I am now thinking and try to reshape reasons why people often times neglecting reflection. First, maybe they just never set aside their time only for reflecting. It is like setting a side for regular exercise, to become a great leader one should manage their time to reflect. Outside, we tend to look ourselves more desirable and capable to our surrounding so pretty naturally we tend to only show the positives of our daily life.

Bill Gates, Mark Zuckenberg, Warren Buffet and Oprah Winfrey have this 5-hour rule which also contains time to reflect. CEO of Linkedin, Jeff Weiner schedules his 2-hour time per day in order to think. He was saying that scheduling for nothing improves his productivity.

I, in other hand, usually take time for thinking and writing during my commute. It usually takes about 3-6 hours of commuting and either I spent my time for sleeping, I sometimes use the time during commute by reading, thinking, and writing. This turned out to be one of the most effective way to be productive. Based on research published by BBC here, there are more to do in commuting, so lest assure, even if reflection are not your forte, this articles will give you ideas on what to do in long commute.

Second, some of us must be scared of the reflection results. Being honest will help my decision-making, learning, and even communication to become more effective. The more I practice, the more it is to be easier. When I was getting hurt, there is this fact that deep down, I did not accept to be treated that certain way. Maybe my ego was hurt by those treatment, maybe I was in denial about some things, and etc. By setting aside who is the right and the wrong, I could slowly understand myself and the people treating me badly.

Denial has become one of the most destructive practices in leaderhsip. Reading at this article, it tells how Henry Ford, the owner of Ford Motor Company, was constantly at denial about one of Its Line Product, T Model. History already shows that the declining of company was affected by denial leadership. Through history, Ford believed that the company knew best about their customers even though there were clear statistics showing the declining number of T Model market share. In his vision, the declining numbers were just a manipulaion of his competitive company and even fired one of his top executives for against his ideas.

Third, they might still wonder the best way to reflect. I have told you before that I usually use my commute to reflect.  However, people are different. Beside doing it during my commute, I ask and talk about questions I have found to those who are capable at. This also becomes one alternative on reflection.

Think of the most possible way that we can be really honest on answering questions. Personally, I have this ‘honest moment’ everyday. The time are random, but me being honest is a must. No matter how hateful I am toward just anyone, how bad my attitude and decision, I will state it and some people may read or see them that really depends on when and how I am expressing it.

PHOTO BY ANDY K4øGL ON UNSPLASH