seasonal feelings

The clocks have gone back an hour and once again time has been meddled with by a man. We have tricked ourselves into believing that there is an extra magical hour of daylight now. An extra hour of life buzzing and whirring till night falls abruptly, a little too suddenly.

Winter is upon us, officially and well, and whenever it is so, I find myself yearning for little pockets of different geographies. The claustrophobia of the heated indoors and being swathed in layers when outdoors gives birth to a strange restlessness in me. I long for places faraway and distant, both that I’ve been to and have had dreamy visions of. And then, I long for some that I once left behind with a heavy heart and a tired mind.

Spring slowly reveals its presence, welcoming the cold goodbye until the next year to come. Breathing dreams like air for I can  not really wait for the quiet beauty of a beautiful chaos of the blooming flowers. Some half-baked dreams and a pile of regrets wait for yet another times.

I think I have never been meeting the exact summer. Everyday is a summer to me. However once more people are coming to enjoy the seasons, most of the time that is when I decide to be a hermit, cocooned in the languid warmth of the coffee while reading an old-favorite book while simply watch the world go by. However sometimes, flying away is the only way to stay back in people’s heart. So we will miss the cheerful summer.

Now I am then meeting the Autumn. When asked recently if this is how I’ll always be — click umpteen pictures of the same neighborhood everyday, quake with a childlike excitement on spotting the first autumn leaf, google laborious descriptions of unknown flora just to know their name, doodle my favorite views from the hotel window after a holiday — my answer is, yes.

This is how I am and these are the things that make me who I am. I am a creature of moments and the little things wrapped in them. I draw my life sap from celebrating the neglected magic of the humdrum everyday. I have always lived by hoarding these tiny moments and making memories in the process. And I don’t know how to do it any other way.

yang dia sedang pikirkan

Dear readers,

Selama beberapa minggu belakangan, saya kembali ke twitter. Niat awal untuk kembali aktif di media sosial yang satu itu sebenarnya agar saya bisa pelan-pelan menjauhi instagram. Sebenarnya tidak seperti kebanyakan orang, bagi saya instagram bisa menjadi hiburan sekali ketimbang toxic. Hanya saja, karena sekarang sedang memikirkan tesis (baca: bukan menulis tesis), saya merasa Instagram sedang tidak baik untuk saya.

Saat kembali ke twitter, dasar saya orangnya sangat senang mencurahkan hati di dalam bentuk tulisan, kerjaan saya jadinya update Twitter melulu. Sedih sedikit, curhat. Kesal sedikit, misuh. Senang sedikit, diutarakan. Mengingat pengikut akun twitter saya yang tidak banyak, sebenernya membuat saya merasa lebih lega dan leluasa mengekspresikan isi hati. Tidak sering hal ini malah membuat saya jadi berandai-andai untuk menempatkan diri saya sebagai salah seorang tidak beruntung yang entah kenapa tetap memilih untuk mengikuti akun twitter saya.

Kalau sedang berandai-andai seperti itu, yang pertama kali terlintas di pikiran pengikut saya barangkali soal apa ya yang kira-kira sedang dipikirin seorang Lina, kok bisa-bisanya apdet status macam itu di twitter? atau mungkin bisa juga seperti waduuu, nih orang kenapa tetiba frontal amat ngomong begini, kan gue jadi kaypoh!

Hal yang sama terjadi juga ketika saya iseng membaca tulisan blog orang. Sering sekali saya berfikir dan menebak-nebak orang seperti apa ya yang ada di balik blog yang sedang saya baca. Saya juga merasa senang dan terhibur sekali saat membaca pengalaman dan isi pikiran berbagai macam orang. Semenjak kembali diingatkan perasaan menyenangkan itu, saya pun memutuskan kembali dengan kini menyewa domain setelah berulang-kali on-ff di dunia blog. Saya agak terkejut saat menyadari kenyataan kalau dunia blog masih ramai serta rupanya selama ini saya saja yang mengira era blog telah berakhir semenjak instagram dan twitter semakin ramai-ramai digandrungi para pengguna internet.

Photo by Dan Dimmock on Unsplash

 

 

istirahat

dear readers,

Selama saya bekerja, saya dilatih untuk selalu siap bekerja dengan tidak hanya cepat, tetapi juga tepat. Saya tidak tahu bagaimana orang lain bekerja, tapi pengalaman saya meminta saya untuk selalu seperti itu. Sampai rasanya saya suka berpikir, boleh tidak si kalo saya setidanya beristirahat meskipun hanya sejenak? Apakah yang sejenak itu sebegitu menghawatirkannya hingga dapat merugikan sampai-sampai selama ini saya tidak boleh sedikit saja bernafas dengan sedikit lebih tenang tanpa diburu-buru oleh sesuatu?

Balik lagi, saya sering berpikir mengenai apa si sebenarnya yang dibutuhkan manusia untuk bertahan hidup? Kalau ada yang bilang kisah Romeo dan Juliet adalah sebuah tragedi, bagaimana kalau berpikir bahwa sebenernya bertahan untuk hiduplah yang adalah sebuah tragedi. Yang saya lihat, banyak orang yang seiring dengan bertambahnya usia dan menyadari bagaimana dunia ini bekerja, justru malah kehilangan dirinya, menjual dirinya, atau bahkan yang lebih menyedihkan, rela merusak dirinya untuk memperoleh harapan yang digantungkan pada dunia.

Dari sana barangkali yang dibutuhkan kita ialah sejenak beristirahat. Beristirahat di mana? Tugas kita mungkin memang mencarinya agar kita bisa selamat dari segala macam hal yang berpotensi merusak atau merugikan diri kita di masa depan. Kita perlu beristirahat dari segala kelelahan maupun harapan yang dijadikan alasan untuk tetap bertahan menghadapi kehidupan ini.

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

on trust

We had a kind of talk last night.

She is as old as I am, yet She actually has been married for eight years, has a 5-year-old sweet beautiful daughter, and decide to end her marriage for her husband has affairs for I cant really remember how many the numbers exactly.

The house she is living is hers, her husband never let her working or taking any courses. He wants her to just living as how a house wife should be. She was initially scared of how life will fall upon her if she decides to leave him. No, what she really mean in order to build her emotional agility, she wants him to leave her. She is a very brave one for she is ready to face the uncertainty of the future. However in her case, I call it salvation.

Sometimes life is not always beautiful. It is not even always comfortable. It sometimes should hurt and even break your heart. No matter, experiencing various feelings mostly grows you. That’s okay. The journey will amd should change you in the end. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body so that you will take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.

I personally still believe good things happened to those who believe. Shape the mind with the positive goals and work for them. No matter how hard and how long you’ve tried, they will fall on you. At the end of the day, you will know when to stop anyway, for only the blind ones who never learn.

Photo by Eva Waardenburg on Unsplash

on responsibility

Alternating between worlds, between one that’s fully paved and one that’s full of gravel; not knowing quite yet which way to take. Only knowing at each moment that the view is wonderful and that my feet hurt and that my eyes are heavy. But all I know is to keep on walking anyway.

Weight is, after all, an established concept of pushing and pulling and refusing to stay too high, as hearts soar in less of a fight against gravity than wings do, and it is the paradoxical magnetism of home that always sends you the farthest. This is you, in the highest cadence of one beat after another: distant, glinting, ready to take on the world, and already one with the sky.

So, in which world are you living at?

Some of you have been hearing so much real story cases around, sometimes they are uplifting, sometimes the other more are even depressive. Perhaps it means universe trusts you, with secrets so tender and quirks much disarming, because others would cringe yet you would not. They believe in you because you always embrace the reality of people, all gradation and shades light creates when it dances upon someone.

However please remember: wherever they lead you to, I hope it’s a safe heaven. The locked little box may sit on the corner of your heart, just make sure it does not consume too much space.