on making peace with emotion

These past weeks, I have been sad. Maybe you already realized this-so-not cool emotion since I wrote about my grand father, however I could not even help but admit I was very shaken up. That is maybe the reason why I talked a lot. I talk a lot on my Twitter and Plurk and write a lot in this already dusty blog. Anyway, I do not intend to write about sadness to this point. By concluding what I was trying to do in these past weeks, I always find something to think and learn about leading to the realization of who I was and who I am.

1. I do not write for many times, both in this blog and in other places

I used to write, not only about the ramblings, but also about the many issues usually popped up during my every day living. I never limit myself to only certain issues, except I should say I am avoiding politics and religion-theme topics for they are unhealthy to my mental states. I read only the brief articles, or asked my friends who are so into those themes, then started figuring out which issues currently being mostly discussed.

This week I have three serious topics I am trying to write, yet still unfinished. The tendency to only research, yet a bit lazy when it comes about writing haunts me. Moreover, I have too many excuses not to write those topics for I have jobs and thesis as my current priorities. The two paradoxical thinking, both the genius of AND and the tyranny of OR, are two concepts of thinking which hold ourselves back from greater clarity in life.

It was firstly introduced by Jim Collins from the book he wrote titled Build to Last. This concept has already applied around various lines from psychology to business to science to philosophy and all the way back again. The tyranny of OR happened to those who is unwilling to embrace the paradox. To explain it simply, I will analogize this concept with the circumstances I am currently facing. I am a corporate employee, yet in the same time I am also a final-year student, meaning I have responsibilities I have to fulfill as both an employee and a student. The tyranny of OR is bringing the issues that for I have two responsibilities, it does not mean I must do my best to the two. It pushes me to believe that things must be either first fulfilling my responsibility as an employee or a student, not both. As long as I am not able to live with the two seemingly contradictory responsibilities in the same time, I  always believe that between the school and the work can not be simultaneously pursued. That being said, to solve my fear of cognitive dissonance is through the Genius of the AND. By that, my responsibility is then to find or create my own pace to satisfy both. That being said, I should not excuse not to write any blog posts since I have committed to be able to write regularly for my own sake.

2. I am lacking of inspiration

Since I started to update my blog posts regularly some weeks ago, I realize that I use same words for so many times. Even though I was quite diligent to write regularly for some days, these past days I felt very unmotivated, plus, I was also busy at my office since I will start my last term in less than two weeks.

Everyday I am haunted by reality that my thesis progress seems meaningless while in the same time I am pretty sure my school life will contribute to my daily level of busyness. The bad is that single fear is only one of the many I can not actually handle before finally I am ended up crying and feeling a bit useless. I was usually realized that me being scared only some hours after and naturally lessen my time to do some productive efforts. Anyhow, productive efforts are never enough. There is this wake up call that it has been quite long since the last time I do travelling. Meeting with great people and reading good books are way good to trigger such inspiration but there is something else by travelling.

A study I have ever read about travelling was published at Cornell University. We all are already knew that we are encouraged to spend money on experiences rather than material things. It is nice to have this already-known-knowledge confirmed. By the research, it was told that one of the enemy of happiness is adaptation, meaning if we purchase material things to make ourselves happy, then the happiness will never long lasts. Experiences, after all, a bigger part of ourselves than our own material goods.

Another reason is because shared experiences will connect us to more people. Feeling connected to a bigger part of societies never fail me. However being connected through experiences are much different through material things. Material things are easily comparable, between having the latest gadgets and the old ones, between the good hotels to stay and the budget ones, and etc. Experiences, however, are incomparable. People have their own way to believe, to think, to act, and to behave, thus the stories to each one would automatically different. The more experiences we have means the more stories and the more people to share with. Plus, it is hardly easier to judge people with different experience.

I am currently thinking to travel to India next year, or somewhere else, who knows. I am open to any possibilities.

3. I do not understand myself enough

Whenever I was hit by situation which makes me unable to think clearly, I always wonder if I could not understand myself enough. Emotion is mostly seen as a sign of weakness by the societies. There are many stories saying that they who could keep their emotion are deemed more as more mature than they who are not. Anyway, no one is immune to emotions, not me, not you, not even the prophets. The difference is maybe in how ones facing then embracing the overwhelmed emotions. Never embrace them meaning that we choose the slower, yet more painful method of torture.

So I talk a lot to myself, more than I talk to my family, my friends, and random strangers I met on and off line. However thanks to the constant emotional jump I am experiencing, I start writing again. Writing is a mean of assertive defense of self, mainly for those who experiencing social anxiety like me. By accepting, not avoiding the undesirable emotions, we will not end up losing on all the enlivening emotions. It helps me to consider if they are pushing me to helpful directions or vice versa. Beside, writing blog posts should be a medium to brain dance. I actually love that it is pretty exhilarating to be able to share my thoughts sequentially. 

PHOTO BY EBERHARD GROSSGASTEIGER ON UNSPLASH

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