a letter to my past self

dear me,

i am the future you. you would not know me yet, but trust me, you will meet me in the end. i know that right now you are not sure about how life is going to revolve around you. you think that you are not pretty, even tend to remind yourself consistently that you are ugly. so you choose to be a smart girl as the only way you are able to do to take care of your heart and mind. however at the end of the day, no matter how hard you study and read, you are just someone people would not even recognize. because you are ugly and not smart, you do not have anything to be proud of.

on your 11 to 14, you will find yourself starting to doing what you like. you enjoy outdoor, you enjoy studying and reading even more. you do realize that you can temporary close the eyes upon the reality by doing what you love. anyway, sometimes you also wonder why does a girl so beautiful hate you only for you are being friendly with that so called a boy you secretly thought  gorgeous. and why does one of the boy on one of your classes mocking you that you are like monkey. then you are starting to hide your embarrassment by acting boyish. i do not quite remember, but i realize that you becoming a tomboy are not long after you listen to that brat’s jokes.

at 14 to 16, you are now a student of senior high. you decide to completely left your circle from your previous school and so you can start your new life. here, you look more feminine than that of you in junior high school. you will meet some guys who will openly tease and adore you. you decide to wear hijab on the next semester and keep being invisible so no one will notice you. your life is peaceful until some people will hurt you. i know you will get scared, even hopeless. but please, just keep holding on.

on the next stage of life, you will learn more of the many things you are interested in. you are committed to learn as many as you can during your university life. you understand that you are not smart enough, so you participate in many social activities. even tho you are not proud, at least you are helping someone. you get to meet many interesting people. you will experience love for the first time. you enjoy the life you pursue, yet realize that nothing would be eternal. you choose to end everything just because you do not want to get hurt of losing something you could not control.

you are then graduated and finding works for living will be very much challenging. in this stage, you will learn a lot of things. you will experience defeat, loss, and failures for so many times. you will face how the real world really works and how you are facing the life-changing choices.

and now, here i am writing this letter to you.

there will be oh-so-many wonderful things waiting for you and i honestly could not even wait to tell you everything. you will still pursue the life you want but not as greedy as when you are younger. but trust me, you will realize that by learning you are able to live, so you choose to be a learning man. the truth is i am writing this letter to you because i want to give my gratitude for you keep holding on to what you believe, on choosing to be kind to just anyone, on believing there are people you have to leave to take care of the heart.

I also want to assure you that you are beautiful. that you are being you is enough. you are an epitome of uniqueness no one able to find until they meet you.

PHOTO BY SUZY HAZELWOOD FROM STOCKSNAP

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