I am trying to be the old self when reading is only to seek immense peace and tranquility. Thus, I can see books as my true escapism.
Recently I have been in rally, reading much faster than I used to be. The faster I read, the more I am eager to trigger myself to be able to read much faster. I then created this new cycles of inadequacy. And sadly yes, I have become SUCH competitive being.
In most of my times, I am always wondering how much enough is. How much of anything is enough? I, as someone who impersonate as a new emergence young adult, tend to say never enough in everything I have achieved. Not that I think that is wrong, but I am starting to find that this never-enough tendencies is stressed me out since everything is underlie by the materialistic philosophical thinking and action.
So the control has already been there, in my inner self. I am the one who need to stop my heart to want more than I should have. Sometimes, I am so afraid that if I keep these tendencies continuously, what I have already had will be suddenly vanished, left me with a vacuum, so intense that I can not avoid in all my life.
Lord I cant help myself, but so scared.